My pants are really painful today.  I cant even sit straight in my chair bc I am in so much pain.  I’m skipping dinner and just working out really hard instead just like I did on Monday.  Hopefully I wont get dizzy this time.

In one year, I’ve gained 30lbs. I’ve calculated that to be 2.5lbs a month which means every week I am gaining a little more than a half a pound. Which explains why the pants I put on this AM that fit do not fit me now and are really painful to wear.  Today I’ve consumed; a protein smoothie, piece of wheat bread, a half cup of coffee, a handful of oatmeal square cereal, chicken noodle soup, some multigrain crackers, water, and a green tea.  At this point I don’t know what to do. If I eat more I know I’ll gain. If I eat less I am better off not eating at all.  I feel the only thing I can do is quit my job so I can work out every day for hours at a time.  Thats not even realistic. :(

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/nutrition/eating-plan

I eat very similar to this everyday and do my best to work out at LEAST 3 times we ek (which is almost impossible w my insane work schedule) and yet I am gaining weight/mass.  I’m convinced people publish this shit to ensure they always have a target market.

Something I’ve learned in the past 24 hours is that anorexia and my love for drinking do not mix. I am confident that bulimia and alcohol would have a working relationship however I want to keep my teeth. My quest continues for the perfect eating disorder for my lifestyle!

I had an egg roll and some green beans….I sat hours in a conference room next to the pantry and smelled the left over chinese food the whole time. I gave in shortly after my meeting was over. I’m not even good at aquiring an eating disorder.

We had a manditory staff lunch today and it was filled with chinese food.  I told them I wasnt feeling well and didnt want to eat anything that might upset my stomach.  An eating disorders gotta start somewhere…

My pants are to tight lately that I have bruises and welts on my hips.  My boyfriend feels terrible when he sees me getting upset over the physical abuse I take from clothes.  I’ve worked 35 hours in 3 days and havent had an ounce of time to work out.  I tried dragging my ass out of bed ridic early on Wednesday to work out but I fell over from exhaustion and I was sent back to bed by my caring boyfriend.  I had a protein smoothie for breakfast and a handful of almonds so far today.  I think I’ll skip lunch and dinner today.

I purchased a fall jacket today online (an adorable Northface windproof jacket for hiking/fall outdoorsy stuff). I sure as hell hope I can fit in it when it arrives. I will be completely disappointed/angry if I have to get a larger size. I think I’ll stop eating lunch/dinner til it arrives just to be sure.

I don’t know how much longer I can do the 5am workout sessions on 5 hours of sleep.  I still feel like shit and still can’t fit in my pants.  I have welts/raw skin on my hips from the jeans I squished myself into this weekend. I skipped my workout this am because I am too tired so I decided I am not allowed to eat for the rest of the day. Why do I have to torture myself so much?